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Finding Life After Loss

Finding Life After Loss

For certain it will happen, this year, maybe next but it will if you allow your grief to take you there.

Sometimes when you sit quietly, or even when you’re slowly waking from a dream, you can hear your Soul whispers.

You will get over your grief

A Gentle Voice Whispered

My darling what if …….

What if I were to tell you that you have death & grief all wrong?

You’ve had it all backwards all along

What if death of one was rebirth for another?

A portal into discovering undying love for self

What if all your meant to do is find meaning in their leaving?

Its purpose to help you evolve and grow

Yes, grief brings you to your knees

Cracks open your heart

Shatters the world as you knew it

Who says that death = pain forever or 

You must give up your life also?

Instead…….

Let go of control, allow grief to wash everything away that no longer works

Question those beliefs, are they even yours? 

Find new ones that fit your life and serve you better

Keep your heart wide open 

Please don’t close it or build another wall 

To keep you safe and others out

Release your guilt, blame and shame – they are not there to punish you

Allow your emotions to be brought back into balance

Ask why they are there and what they want

Examine their true cause

Guilt resets your moral compass

Blame allows anger and frustration to move out

Shame is a fear of not being connected and believing you’re not worthy

Take time to remember all the good things in your life

Reopen all the memories of the things you love

Allow them to fill you up with undying love for you

Allow the alchemy of grief to turn your pain into joy

That’s the gift and purpose of Grief

Author, Anne’s Soul

Bringing in the New

Bringing in the New

Before welcoming in any new beginnings, we need to take time to reflect, accept and let go of the old to create space for any new insight or ideas really to consider.

At times this is easier said than done. Often it can bring up fear, as we humans like the familiar and uncertainty aren’t welcomed. Anyone who has had a loved one die and is grieving that loss will know this.

This year has been about letting go of those familiar routines and moving into uncertainty. A year of not getting too attached to routines because they were quickly changed as we learned to live with COVID. This year was the year to discover just how resilient and creative you are in the face of adversity.

Grief’s Presence

When I look back I note all those hopes, dreams and plans everyone had for themselves all vanished. There were many of you experiencing all the emotions someone feels when they are grieving a death. These emotions may not have been so intense but they were present whether recognized or not. For many of you were bewildered by your emotions and didn’t know how to handle them.

For those grieving, it feels such an alone time and you may isolate regardless because you feel no one understands. My biggest hope now is for people to truly understand what it feels like to have lost something. Hopefully, they will have more compassion for those amongst us who are grieving the death of a loved one.

It is my sincere hope as we move forward everyone will have a new appreciation for grief and the emotions, feelings and thoughts it brings.

This year was even harder, for anyone grieving a death as the rituals, the supports from family, friends and community weren’t available to them and for them.

Not Your Usual Ritual

That’s why on this day, the eve of a new year, you’ll take time to reflect, to be with your grief. Invite and welcome in your emotions, they are after all your souls GPS, they are your guidance system.

Research tells us that we get to know ourselves by being in relationships, so when someone dies, that bond to their humanness isn’t there and you’ll mourn the connection.

There are ways you can give it to yourself. It is a belief that you have to look externally for others or things to bring you happiness or whatever you feel you need. However, you can source this from the external world but it is also sourced from you. You have everything you need within you to give yourself the love, acceptance, appreciation, to be seen and to be heard to you.

Take time now to determine what your needs are and brainstorm some ways you can give them to yourself.

Reflect, let go the old ways that no longer are helpful to you

Welcome to a brand new year..

To assist you here are some tools you might find helpful

Coming Into Stillness

12 Steps to Healing

If you find yourself struggling, feeling alone and unsupported, please reach out to me and we can book a Free conversation call [email protected]

2020 COVID Grief – How to Create Less Stress for the Holidays

2020 COVID Grief – How to Create Less Stress for the Holidays

What are your plans for this holiday season?

The holidays are among us. A time of year that’s known for its busy nature that can lead to quite the load of stress.  However, this year there is a different kind of stress due to COVID. We’re unable to have large family gatherings so our connection to others and support will be limited. Many grieving may feel isolated especially if they aren’t part of a “bubble”.

Instead of having several invitations to gatherings collecting on your counter, this year it may be to connect virtually.  Perhaps a long list of people you need to send holiday cards to awaits you. Then the daunting task of braving the shopping mall crowds to find the gifts for your loved ones.  All of this, on top of your normal every-day life can be overwhelming to say the least.

Use this year as an opportunity to simplify and let go of expectations of what the holidays should be. If you celebrate Christmas and you want it to be as it always was, then ask for help? When you’re grieving a loss you may not have the energy to do everything you used to do.  Please know this is normal and perfectly OK to not do what you feel you should do.  Give yourself permission to revisit what you’d like your holiday to look like.

A few Ideas to Simplify

You might enjoy writing and sending cards and you could use it as an opportunity to take your mind off your grief.   There are easier ways, you could consider sending electronic cards instead. Simplify your gift giving this year, draw names instead of gifts for everyone.

For some further helpful tip in navigating the holidays, you may find additional ideas here. (although written in non-COVID times, many are still applicable).

Here are some of my personal favourite ways to navigate this normally busy and stressful time of year. My hope is to make it a little less stressful for you and the season easier for you to navigate.   You can still create fond memories and perhaps your new activities will stand the test of time and be ones you decide to implement again.  

These secret weapons of mine include…

Put forth great effort to be present

For sure it’s difficult, I understand.  It’s almost a reflex to pick up our phones and scroll through Facebook or our email when we have a free moment – do you do the same?  One way I like to dodge this is to leave my electronics in another room.  Don’t even allow yourself the temptation to pick up your phone and disengage from you were planning on doing.  When I’m feeling particularly scatter-brained, what really helps ground me is focusing on my senses.  What do I smell?  What do I hear?  What do I feel? 

Stopping and thinking through what’s going on around you at that very moment really brings you into the present moment unlike anything else.  It’s a wonderful tool to use to dial in and be present – and is a great tool to use year-round, not just during the holidays!

Often when your’e grieving you can become so disconnected by being in the past and this exercise can help you in those moments.  Deep breathing is another way to connect you to you, breathing can also help to calm you down as it alerts your body that you’re safe. You may enjoy this short breathing meditation for those times when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

Give up those expectations as I mentioned earlier 

A lot of the stress we put on ourselves this season lies in the notion that we expect things to be perfect.  That’d be lovely, of course.  Therefore, dropping the expectations of perfection will allow you to be prepared for when something may spring up.  Joy can be found in each situation. When things don’t go exactly as planned spend your energy finding gratitude in your circumstances and enjoy your time as much as possible.  Tis the season to be loving and caring but perhaps extend this to yourself first by simplifying.

Find time to move

It’s incredibly important to keep movement in your schedule, no matter how busy you may feel.  Even if it’s just a brisk walk after lunch or dinner. Make it a habit to bundle up in your favourite scarf and winter coat to go for a walk alone to clear your mind, or with someone you enjoy being around.  Being outside with others providing your socially distancing and wearing a mask is acceptable and preferable during this time.  Having time outside in nature, breathing in fresh air, while burning off some calories and keeping your heart rate is important self-care.

What are your favourite ways? 

  • How do you get some movement in during the cold months? 
  • What activities did you enjoy as a child?
  • Do you enjoy visiting new towns or being in nature

For me I enjoy taking walks in nature and I’m fortunate to have many that I can take a short drive to.  A good brisk walk helps clear my mind or I may take time to think about my loved ones who are no longer with me.  Walking is an opportunity for me to practice mindfulness and focus just for the walk on everything my eyes see.

Coming home and having hot chocolate, cheers me up knowing I’ve burnt a few calories so I can look forward to that guilt free!

PS I’m holding additional Grief Movement Flow hours in the New Year. You can email at [email protected] to be added to the waitlist.

The benefits of grief movement help you get out of your head and stop the chatter and rumination as you move into your body. As you move back with awareness and connect to your breath and move your spine in gentle ways you begin to connect to you. During grief, it’s easy to tense up in a protection mode creating shallow breathing and rigidity along your spine. Through these gentle flow movements, you connect to your emotions and allow them to flow through causing your body to relax and your breath to deepen.

Father’s Day Gifts & Grief

Father’s Day Gifts & Grief

Father’s Day is a day of celebration, connection, and togetherness, that’s what Father’s Day used to be for me, a funny card, a small gift, a time to chat and reminisce. When I see other daughters with their Dad now, a quietness comes over me, a sense of sadness as I recall what I once had with mine but no longer have. Yes, Dad, you may have died but you’ll never be forgotten. This Sunday I’m choosing to remember him with hope and joy – this is his legacy to me.

If your Dad is in your life, do make time to ask questions about his life, and write them down. Don’t let business or your lack of time be an excuse, you’ll regret it later. When they are no longer there that’s when you realize the time you had with them was far too short.

Dad’s death changed me in so many ways and its because of my experience with grief, that I do what I do today. Despite my struggles, my belief was you can heal your heart from loss. The sadness still creeps up on you from time to time, but by allowing the feelings to come up I know they will pass. Journaling is what helps me remember Dad and what I’m missing.

Gifts From Dad

He was the artist of the family. He taught my sister and me to appreciate nature, wildlife, a river—just about anything to him was a potential subject. Unfortunately, at the time, we did not appreciate his fine eye, although we loved nature and being outdoors. Often through our eyes, we saw the delights of play and not from the lens of a painter.  

One gift to me was to see the beauty in nature so I could paint it with words. Just like an artist hones his painting skills, I, too, began honing my skills to paint with words. You never think about the death of your parents. They have been there forever; they will always be there you think. Except when one is taken from you the landscape suddenly changes. So many years now since Dad died, but his gifts to me continue to grow. They have lain dormant, like compost decaying, which eventually turns into rich fertile soil.

This desire of mine to write, timid at first, just like newly planted seeds, has started to root and grow. My words to describe what I want to say get stuck and hang back in fear, but when they do come forth, I delight in their creation. Sorry I have gotten ahead of myself and need to slowly go back to when it began, this desire of mine.  

My Journey into Grief

During those first months of grief and tormented by so many emotions. Unable to think or work. Everything was such an effort, even the simplest of tasks. How lost I felt and eventually did lose myself for a time. A small seed of thought took hold during those early days of my grief and began to grow louder and louder with each day. What I needed was a road map or perhaps a grief map.

Perhaps I’d write a book, one that would assist me and others in knowing what to expect. Guiding my readers to show them the way through and, eventually, out.  Finding my grief map seemed like a great idea because whenever I go on a journey, I always take a map along.

Dad had taught me from an early age how to read road maps, another of his gifts to me. I’m forever grateful because if I get lost, I can easily find my way back. Such a comfort to me to know that I have this ability and my inner compass.

Grief’s Abyss

When dad died,  I didn’t have a map; my inner compass was broken and just kept spinning around. This went on for the next six months. Recognizing now that I was in the clutches of grief’s watery hands.  Its effects were present in everything I did or didn’t do. My brain felt waterlogged. The ability to think or function properly eluded me. From time to time, my eyes would release the pressure and allow the tears to flow. Even my heart was drowning in the turbulent waters as it was tossed around by all the emotions ever known to humankind. For a time I’d live in this watery land of grief and feared I’d never get out.

To me, it felt like an abyss, which, according to the dictionary, describes beautifully what I was experiencing. An abyss is deep and it takes up immeasurable space; at times unfathomable, infinite; pure, primal chaos and it felt like hell. However, each day some new experience—sometimes laughter, like the sun—would peep through, showing me the way. I relied purely on instinct and intuition. This was a journey that I had to experience alone, without any external tools, and certainly with no beloved map to lend comfort.

The Journey

My grief had pushed and pulled at me. Even it shook me so that I would release all the things in my life that no longer mattered. The petty arguments with my father tucked away in my memory were released and washed away. After about six months, grief deemed that I had been emotionally cleansed and slowly receded from my life. Feeling lighter now but still dazed. The sunshine and blue skies beckoned me on to another part of my life. Seemingly in calmer waters, and then on dry land, perhaps time to move on with my life. Although no longer buffeted by raging waters, I remained exhausted. For me, the land of grief was bewildering, because I’d never been taught what was expected of me or what to expect from the experience.

Eventually, I emerged from my journey in grief. Introspection, time, and support, and much self-care were required. Emerging stronger and wiser because I’d traveled grief’s many waterways and highways. Truly a difficult journey and one that all of us will eventually experience.  The book I’d go onto to write is the road map that resulted from my journey with a beginning, middle & end through grief

Grieving a Loss

If you’re grieving the loss of your Dad on this Father’s Day, it’s my desire that this will help you and give you hope that your pain or tears won’t be forever and you too will be able to talk about your Dad, as I can with gladness and joy as you do.

Would you like support or assistance on your journey? Do reach out – another one of Dad’s gifts was I changed careers to become a Life After Loss Coach – [email protected]

Interested in reading more? You can find the book Grief’s Abyss Finding Your Pathway to Peace here

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