In our society, we readily acknowledge that grief follows after a loved one dies. It is expected and accepted but this isn’t the case when the couple divorce or a long-time relationship fails. They are not given the same compassion as the person whose loved one has died. Grieving after a relationship fails is rarely acknowledged even by family, friends. We know that it’s awful and the person will get over it. Unfortunately, this is not the case as guest expert Diane Valiquette will attest to.
In this episode, you will learn:
There is so much more to grieve than the relationship itself
How divorce/breakup grief is more painful than the death of a loved one
Why grieving a relationship loss can go on for many many years
The mistakes couples can make when dating again so soon after the divorce/breakup
A more realistic timeframe to wait before dating to ensure a happier outcome
The difference in emotional grief experienced by a Dumper or Dumpee
The biggest mistakes couples make in marrying without testing the relationship or having a clear sense of who they are
Why so many marriages fail today
The harm inflicted on children of divorce and what can be done to avoid
Discover if believing in “the one” is fact or myth
The secret to living happily ever after
This episode is available on the Lets Talk About Grief Podcast streaming on Apple or Spotify. Click the link to listen.
"Too often we identify with our labels but labels limit us they are not who we truly are"
Labels Don’t Tell the Whole Story
Who you are is not defined by your name or even what you do in life for you are much more. Too often your self- worth is tightly tied to that of your work role or relationship label.
These are jigsaw parts adding color and meaning to the whole of who you think you are. You wear many roles and hats but they aren’t who you are either.
The Sum of the Whole
It’s through your roles and relationships that form the sum of your experiences that shape you. The cycle of life continues as you grow older and change, 0ften adding new labels as you evolve into the next stage of your life.
Your name is used first to identify who you are and the clan you belong to. You become a son or daughter, sister or brother, girlfriend or boyfriend showing the world more of who you are. Then you marry and a new label of husband or wife is given, followed next by mother or father.
No Longer Five
I’m no longer a girl but my age puts me in the category of senior or elder but underneath I’m still me. The same me I was at 5. Somehow I got buried under the weight of the labels I used to define me or hide behind. Doing so gave me a false sense of self-worth.
It isn’t until death or major loss occurs, the great equalizer and it doesn’t matter which label was used it doesn’t stop the cycle of life from occurring. Underneath we are all too human and with any loss, grief pays a visit and stays for a while, perhaps even a long while. It is during this time that we have an opportunity to shake off our labels as we are brought to our knees, for truly what do they matter?
A Crisis in Identity
We call out “who am I” when the label no longer fits.
A crisis in identity occurs when we allow our self-worth to be defined by labels. It is so important that we take care not to do so as our labels can easily be taken away.
Relationships can define us but we can become lost in them. Often meshing and melding with “others” in our lives to fit in. We do this also to be loved and feel loved. Each time we do so another piece of us is lost.
When someone or something is taken from us we hurt, we’re upset and a temper tantrum at the injustice is thrown. It is now we must learn how to live our lives without the person and our label attaching us. This is your opportunity to rediscover the YOU underneath. The one that got buried living life.
You may feel broken and worn down by this experience but there is a part of you that is always whole, is always you. It is simply waiting to be discovered again, dusted off and brought out into the sunlight to play and to dream again.
This is how grief coaching helps you find YOU after a loss.
If you’re ready to explore – please message me and let’s talk. Your life is waiting for you but needs your participation.
I pulled this inspirational card today and it spoke volumes to me. I’m the perfect example of perfectionism. So much so I get into perfectionism paralysis!
It was no wonder that when it came my time to grieve, I’d worry if was I doing it right!
“There is no right way, I was told. Everyone’s journey is unique and we get over our grief when we do”.
Ok, my nursing background kicked in and I thought. I cannot imagine a doctor telling a patient that. How helpful would that be to the person with cancer or heart disease?
No, indeed they wouldn’t, instead, they outline the prognosis and the journey they have evidence in seeing for patients with the same diagnosis. Then they give helpful information for what they can do to help the person heal or suggest potential cures for them. They are offering them HOPE.
This indeed is what I do, I offer, my clients Hope that they can heal their heartache and move through their grief. I offer helpful information and assist them to plan their own healing journey.
It isn’t about forgetting their loved one, or that they didn’t love them enough if they heal. It’s about showing them what is possible when they work through their grief with guidance and support.
If you are curious about what grief coaching can do for you, please connect with me.
Healing from your grief is about moving your loved one into your heart and out of your head.
Grief is universal, but individually we all have our own unique way of handling our grief. Liz Ferrara DeStefano found very quickly after the death of her father, her own way was to create poetry. The words would come to and the poems were born.
Liza wonders if she did grieve enough, she feels she did, her heart no longer broken, admits she feels sad and does miss her Dad but the poetry helped her process her loss.
These are some of the topics we covered
How soon after your Dad’s death did you discover your creativity had been awakened?
What is it about this activity that worked so well for you?
Have your poems helped your family members?
How many poems have you written?
You are now a published author
Did you publish them as a legacy to your Dad or as part of your healing journey?
Liza’s poems not only helped her with her grief but have helped others she has shared or written them for. In creating her poems she feels she is connected to her Dad and this brings her comfort
It doesn’t always have to be painful or anguish but a quieter letting go, and into acceptance. When you listen to Liza’s story, you will find that family connection, closeness and supporting each other are what helped this family navigate their loss, their Dad, a husband, and grandfather. They are all changed in many ways and these changes have brought the family closer together.
Dr. Sarah Kerr is a Death Doula and a Ritual Healing Practitioner and in the interview, she shares her work with death & loss and how she helps others in their process at a soul level. Sarah states that “life gallops forward” and she helps to bring their soul along. The body and soul can sometimes get separated especially in times of sudden death, it is a primal shock to the person. It takes ritual or psychosocial support to help the person and soul accept and let go.
Here are some of the topics discussed
1. The scope of Dr. Sarah Kerr’s services at Soul Passages
2. How to have a good funeral and why you need one
3. Why honouring your family lineage is import
4. How parents can help teach their children to be comfortable around death and dealing with grief.
Dr. Kerr speaks compassionately about her experiences with death, dying and illness. Sarah speaks softly and with such dignity when she shares stories from her clients and families experiences. Her very presence of quiet authority, you know she is a person you’d want to support you during this time of transition.
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