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Divorce – a Disenfranchised Grief

In our society, we readily acknowledge that grief follows after a loved one dies. It is expected and accepted but this isn’t the case when the couple divorce or a long-time relationship fails.  They are not given the same compassion as the person whose loved one has died.  Grieving after a relationship fails is rarely acknowledged even by family, friends.  We know that it’s awful and the person will get over it.  Unfortunately, this is not the case as guest expert Diane Valiquette will attest to.

In this episode, you will learn:

  1.  There is so much more to grieve than the relationship itself
  2.  How divorce/breakup grief is more painful than the death of a loved one
  3.  Why grieving a relationship loss can go on for many many years
  4.  The mistakes couples can make when dating again so soon after the divorce/breakup
  5.  A more realistic timeframe to wait before dating to ensure a happier outcome
  6.  The difference in emotional grief experienced by a Dumper or Dumpee
  7.  The biggest mistakes couples make in marrying without testing the relationship or having a clear   sense of who they are
  8. Why so many marriages fail today
  9.  The harm inflicted on children of divorce and what can be done to avoid
  10.  Discover if believing in “the one” is fact or myth
  11.  The secret to living happily ever after

This episode is available on the Lets Talk About Grief Podcast streaming on Apple or Spotify.  Click the link to listen.

 

Bell’s Let’s Talk campaign is on to

Bell’s Let’s Talk campaign is on to

Yes, Indeed, Let’s Talk

This truly is a brilliant way to have us talking about Mental Health which affects so many and what better way to bring a topic that has been in the shadows for so long out and shed light upon it?

Let’s come together to find ways to help each other cope with depression or schizophrenia and the myriad of other symptoms our Mental Health professionals deal with daily.

One way is to talk about it so that the stigma of having a mental disorder is lessened.  There are so many people suffering because they don’t want to Talk about It out of fear and shame. Time for less judgment.

Clearly more needs to be done but this is a great way to create awareness.

Long-standing Grief & Depression

Another awareness I’d like to create is how grief can add a person to this ever-growing list for those requiring professional help.  Grief if not dealt with can result in severe depression or suicide.  It can sap a person’s life for years after the death occurred.  Grieving is a full body response weakening the immune system and causing health issues.

Not everyone grieving will end up with severe depression or with the symptoms outlined above.  However, that is yet another topic to be discussed and explored.

As science advances unlocking the knowledge to help explain why some mental health issues occur can we then take steps to help prevent the onset.

Mindfulness, breathing, exercise, walking or journaling are some of the tools being used.  Reframing and working on mindset are yet others. Eating healthy and getting more sleep.  Learning to relax and taking days off our electronic devices are just some examples of techniques being implemented or suggested.

Giving our brains a chance to daydream and take time out is another.

However, nothing is ever quite as simplistic and if you feel you grieving and have been for a while please seek professional help.

Regardless of grief, reach out to someone you know and talk to them about what you are noticing.  A simple kindness, someone to speak to can make the world of difference.

 

Please let’s talk……..

 

As a grief coach, I am available. Please Chose life and Chose you because we are all here to make a difference in someone’s life.

 

 

What’s Anger Got to Do with it ….? Grief that is

What’s Anger Got to Do with it ….? Grief that is

Yoga in its simplicity can unlock those unwanted, shoved down emotions you no longer want to deal with.  It lovingly brings them to light so you can do just that. Deal with them!

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I realized I’d been sitting in a simmering soup of anger ever since my yin yoga class last week. I don’t normally experience any emotional releases during classes but last week doing one particular pose, I did experience tremendous anger welling up, while I was sitting in the position. I had to breathe deeply to relieve the pent up emotions whirling up inside me. I just wanted to jump up and start running around, perhaps shouting to relieve it. I didn’t think that would be too welcome considering where I was, instead I worked on staying put and breathing through it. Thankfully once we came out of the position and onto the next one, no more anger. What I didn’t recognize was that my anger had gone off the boil but wasn’t actively released. It merely simmered all weekend with little puffs being released at whatever angered me which seemed to be many things!

So when our Let’s Talk about Grief group began with a couple of posts about anger, somehow, this triggered mine off again. I decided I needed to work to release it or better still find out the source. One of the ways I do this is by using the Conscious Complaining exercise I shared with you. After about 4 rounds of filling up my scroll and burning it, I began to feel complete as my anger dissipated. I began to journal on the experience and what came up truly amazed me. It soon became very clear that my needs had been discounted for many years as I seemed to put everyone else’s in front of mine.

This is a common error many women make, as daughters, wives, mothers, employees. Over time we no longer know what constitutes as “I need”. Too often I don’t know what I truly need or want. Anger and frustration build when you discount your own needs often resulting in resentment. The emotion of anger is a fiery one and our anger is there to alert us when a boundary has been breached, be it an inner or outer one. In this case for me it was me breaching my own inner boundaries by negating my needs.

By the time I had finished journaling, I went on to create my own Charter of Needs.
I need to be respected, loved, treated with kindness, and cherished. I need for my needs to be treated seriously. I need to know what I need and share it lovingly.

This is just a few of what I wrote to give you as examples. We cannot expect others to know what we need unless we can give voice to what our own needs are.

I really enjoy doing conscious complaining because it can so often uncover things we have forgotten or are afraid to voice such as guilt over thinking of voicing something we did or didn’t do. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable at these times is powerful and you will be surprised at what is stirred up.
Of course, if conscious complaining sounds silly, then perhaps you could do some of the following to release what it is you feel angry about: beating a pillow or your bed with your fists, having a good workout or cleaning your home, washing floors anything that will get you moving so the anger can be released. Anger is an amazing emotion if you understand it. Anger is motivating and gets you moving. I will often bring a client into anger as we work together; its energy is much higher than grief. So if you are in anger – great take action and get moving.

Searching for Happiness

Searching for Happiness

childrenpark

Searching for happiness is a common theme these days.  A whole industry has been built around this desire. Could this be this answer? Underlying the loss of happiness could grief be lurking?  Many of us, myself included are searching for happiness.  Happiness is our birthright and a natural emotion.  Just watch a young child.  They may laugh and end up crying all within a short time space.  Children know how to release their emotions and when they do, happiness returns.  It is the grownups who shut them down.

Loss comes in many packages and many unrecognized losses go undetected because of unawareness.  It is known that when there is a death in the family grief will enter and happiness will leave for a time. Did you know that many other losses can have the same effect?

Here is a list of just some of the many losses you may have had over time and unwittingly stuffed down any emotions you felt.  With each loss, a piece of happiness may have been removed. It may not have been convenient, the loss you felt was trivial, one not recognized by our society or even frowned upon.  There are many reasons to discount.

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How many losses can you add to your list?

(not listed in order of importance):

Loss of a relationship

Death of a child

Left country of origin, with loss of family and friends

Job loss

Pet loss

Terminal illness

Death of family member or friend

Death of a colleague

Large layoffs in company – you get to keep your job

Loss of baby before term

Other

I feel certain you can add others.

A 3 day workshop addressing Grief

I recently attended a 3 day workshop on grief and many in our group also didn’t recognize that these losses can result in feelings of grief. Many in our group had come to the workshop, not because they were going through grief themselves but to learn more from a career perspective.  What they and myself learned was that we all could add many of the above to our list.  The exercise we did allowed us to see these losses in different stages of our own lives.  If it can happen in a group of 22, can you imagine how many people throughout the world have unexamined grief due to a loss (es)?

Our emotions are energy and if not released can get stuck and may cause depressions or other illnesses within the body.  One counsellor reported that under PTSD, drug and alcohol addictions, grief was the underlying cause.

I have learned that Grief requires much inner work, where as mourning is the outer such as wailing, crying or sobbing. Stuffing in emotions is certainly not the answer and neither is trying logically thinking our way out.

Please take time today to recognize what you may be silently grieving and do your inner and outer work.  You will be so happy you did, for happiness is sure to return.  Unsure how to do this.  Connect with grief organizations and they will be happy to assist you.

There is so much unresolved grief out there.  Connect with them or connect with me for a 1:1 at reconnect-from-grief.com

In the meantime, don’t fear your emotions, you will find they are your best friends and guidance.

Grieve well my friends – until Happiness returns

Here is a link to the Bereavement Families of Ottawa www.bfo-ottawa.org

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