Grief Work Begins with Your Grief Inventory for Healing
When you understand these 7 areas your grief can affect, you’ll realize why they say grieving is hard work. When a loss occurs such as the death of a loved one, it is expected for you to feel pain and experience intense heavy sadness. However, there are 4 main categories with each one encompassing 2 or 3 areas within the category to give us the 7 areas.
Having this information can help you to understand why you are feeling or what experiencing is normal when a person is grieving. There are many losses and many changes going on simultaneously.
Its no wonder you can feel so overwhelmed and at times alarmed. Take out your journal or have a piece of paper handy and markdown any of these listed below that may apply.
Psychological
Emotions
What are you feeling? Do you have bouts of sadness, increased anger, fearful, guilt/shame what ifs, could/should have?
Thoughts
Difficulty concentrating, forgetful, overwhelmed, confused, thinking the same thought over and over?
Feelings
Do you feel empty inside, in despair, lonely, even helpless, yearning for something but you don’t know what?
Physical
Body
Check-in with your body now and see if you are experiencing: low energy, general body pains, tightness in your chest or throat, dizziness, sleeplessness, digestive issues, weight gain or loss, low libido, frequent colds?
Spiritual
Are you religious, do you have strong beliefs, participate in rituals and traditions, have strong connections or are you blaming the church or the God of your understanding for allowing whatever has happened to have happened?
No faith, but have strong beliefs in life, have your own philosophy and spirituality that you can draw comfort from?
Social
Relationship
Do you have good social and family supports? Do you find yourself withdrawing or isolating from them? Are you less social than you were? Do you prefer your own company now? Is your love relationship becoming strained with more conflicts than before? Fewer friends and family members around due to a move or the family home being sold?
Society’s Attitudes
These are the myths and beliefs, you believe to be true but have never questioned i.e., it just takes time or you never get over grief are just a couple of examples. Do people avoid you, embarrassed because they don’t know what to say or they feel uncomfortable around you? You share your story but they are more interested in sharing theirs. Friends/Family or well-meaning people see you as a project in need of fixing? They avoid you because you share your story too frequently?
Download your Grief Inventory Chart and check off the ones that are applicable to you. I am sure you were not aware that a loss, could have such an effect on so many areas of your life?
You probably long for the time when you can tell your story without feeling the pain and have your joy of life return so you can live it to the fullest. Just know that you can, it is a choice. Are you ready to make a commitment to yourself and your life? If, yes, let’s connect so you can begin your journey.
Grief is universal, but individually we all have our own unique way of handling our grief. Liz Ferrara DeStefano found very quickly after the death of her father, her own way was to create poetry. The words would come to and the poems were born.
Liza wonders if she did grieve enough, she feels she did, her heart no longer broken, admits she feels sad and does miss her Dad but the poetry helped her process her loss.
These are some of the topics we covered
How soon after your Dad’s death did you discover your creativity had been awakened?
What is it about this activity that worked so well for you?
Have your poems helped your family members?
How many poems have you written?
You are now a published author
Did you publish them as a legacy to your Dad or as part of your healing journey?
Liza’s poems not only helped her with her grief but have helped others she has shared or written them for. In creating her poems she feels she is connected to her Dad and this brings her comfort
It doesn’t always have to be painful or anguish but a quieter letting go, and into acceptance. When you listen to Liza’s story, you will find that family connection, closeness and supporting each other are what helped this family navigate their loss, their Dad, a husband, and grandfather. They are all changed in many ways and these changes have brought the family closer together.
This truly is a brilliant way to have us talking about Mental Health which affects so many and what better way to bring a topic that has been in the shadows for so long out and shed light upon it?
Let’s come together to find ways to help each other cope with depression or schizophrenia and the myriad of other symptoms our Mental Health professionals deal with daily.
One way is to talk about it so that the stigma of having a mental disorder is lessened. There are so many people suffering because they don’t want to Talk about It out of fear and shame. Time for less judgment.
Clearly more needs to be done but this is a great way to create awareness.
Long-standing Grief & Depression
Another awareness I’d like to create is how grief can add a person to this ever-growing list for those requiring professional help. Grief if not dealt with can result in severe depression or suicide. It can sap a person’s life for years after the death occurred. Grieving is a full body response weakening the immune system and causing health issues.
Not everyone grieving will end up with severe depression or with the symptoms outlined above. However, that is yet another topic to be discussed and explored.
As science advances unlocking the knowledge to help explain why some mental health issues occur can we then take steps to help prevent the onset.
Mindfulness, breathing, exercise, walking or journaling are some of the tools being used. Reframing and working on mindset are yet others. Eating healthy and getting more sleep. Learning to relax and taking days off our electronic devices are just some examples of techniques being implemented or suggested.
Giving our brains a chance to daydream and take time out is another.
However, nothing is ever quite as simplistic and if you feel you grieving and have been for a while please seek professional help.
Regardless of grief, reach out to someone you know and talk to them about what you are noticing. A simple kindness, someone to speak to can make the world of difference.
Please let’s talk……..
As a grief coach, I am available. Please Chose life and Chose you because we are all here to make a difference in someone’s life.
How I Supported my best friend through her end of life transition – Jane Jackson Soul Coach and Energy Practioner (to read more about Deborah & Jane’s journey together here is the link)
https://www.thriveglobal.com/stories/28498-my-best-friends-funeral
When Faced with Difficulty
What do you do, when your best friend is diagnosed with MS and possibly has two years to live? This was what Jane was faced with and this interview is about their journey together. Jane did what you would expect of a good friend, she jumped in to support her in so many ways. Helping her with daily living, supporting, planning her funeral together and dealing alone with the rawness of it all.
This journey was an emotionally charged one, instead of closing down they remained open, vulnerable and available to each other. Jane never judged her friend or tried to talk her out of it when she heard she was choosing suicide to end her life. For Deborah, wanted to leave on her terms and not be defined by her illness as she progressively got weaker.
However, the is an interesting and heartwarming twist to their story. One that will have you questioning “Is the choice to die really ours to make” or is there something more powerful at work here.”
How was your Summer? I do hope you were able to get away for some downtime and recharge? It certainly was a hot one……..
A Friday Night to Remember
The last breath of Summer left us during the storm last Friday evening ushered out by 6 Tornado’s here in the Ottawa region. The result of the storm plunged many into chaos as the power went out in homes. across the region. This was a small inconvenience compared to the people whose homes were destroyed by the storm. The winds tore off rooftops, downed trees, and power lines, scattering debris over roads impeding travel and rescue efforts.
Neighborhoods Destroyed
It would take several days for the extent of the damage to reach the public’s awareness. When it did, those watching were totally stunned and shocked by the devastation in many areas around our region. I’m certain there were a few hands over mouths as they took in the pictures they were seeing. Trees on top of cars, rooftops gone leaving their contents visible and exposed. Large trees on top of family dwellings. Large power poles snapped in half downing the wires they were carrying. One main power station feeding so many homes in the area was just another casualty of the tornado.
Grieving Enters
I couldn’t help thinking of how this external event could be linked to grief. A death happens and throws everything into chaos. The once familiar becomes unfamiliar and how we mourn for what was. A similar picture was unfolding. Many were looking forward to TGIF, cooking super and relaxing at the end of the workweek, except for many there was no power and for others, there was no longer a home.
How quickly we can take people and places for granted. In a blink of an eye, it can be taken from us and we are truly powerless.
The Clean-Up Begins
It is not just the homes that will need rebuilding or tearing down but the clearing of so many damaged trees. The landscape is forever changed. Everyday living last week meant restocking of fridges, and freezers after throwing out wasted food. The rebuilding of their lives begins. How did people cope knowing they would soon have to return to work? How could you possibly be productive when your life is in chaos?
When a death occurs, you remain busy, stoic powering through the endless tasks and then when it is over you discover you’re not coping well, you are in mourning. This is what those individuals affected by such loss will be experiencing. The effects are not always apparent in the early days, however, once the shock and busyness wear off many will require close monitoring. For signs of PTSD, severe stress and mourning. This is when they will need support. After the army of volunteers have left leaving them to cope on their own.
Reach out and Support
Just as first responders were there helping, grief counselors were also present. Advising those affected to speak about what happened and to ensure they take care of themselves. Good advice, however, when you are extremely stressed as they will be, it is hard to settle down. Sleep when you are extremely stressed is normally the first to be disrupted and is so needed. They may be unable to relax and feel agitated. Making decisions may even prove a challenge.
If you know someone affected by the events of last week, please take time and invite them for coffee with you. Take time to allow them to share their story with you. No need to fix, just listen and acknowledge what they say. This simple act can be healing. Please don’t talk about your experience or share stories of someone you know. This is not helpful. Just listen. If you don’t know what to say “say that”. The important step is to allow them to talk and share.
I do hope you and your family were all safe and your power was restored quickly?
Take Time to Prepare
Truly how prepared are we for life’s challenges?
It takes something like mother nature to show us just how unprepared we may be. Especially for those big events such as a death or loss that challenge us and stop us in our tracks. Much like the storm did.
This made me reflect on my mission to help others to not fear death and the grieving process that follows on its heels. As a grief guide and coach, I am here to support and can help you understand the process so you will be prepared and know what to do.
Just as many people, I’m certain will be preparing to ensure they have certain supplies in place. Perhaps including a generator, definitely stocking up on candles or flashlights. A battery radio was recommended so you could be updated for the next time the lights go out!
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